Pilgrims wore fag shoes.

Is Thanksgiving all that fun? What do we really do? I’m thankful this… I’m thankful that… no lights on the house, no great mascot for the day (except for the Pilgrims and Indians that only play a small role). Do people rush off to the mall to have their kids get Thanksgiving Day pictures taken? Hell no. Over rated I tell you. Overrated.

Everyone around me knows Halloween is my favorite holiday. Do you get the day off. Hell no. What did you do last Halloween? What did you wear? I guarantee you know the answer to that one. I’m sure developing places see more business on Nov 1st than any other day of the year.

I don’t remember what I did last Thanksgiving. I guess I must have eaten dinner with the family or something. Oh wait, now I remember, the awkward dinner conversation about how most Amish are cheaters and liars. I remember how one half of the table was prejudiced and the other side wasn’t. Let’s all give thanks! Everyone left the table fat and pissed off.




My version of how Thanksgiving should be run goes some thing like this:

4am – Wait in line for the bar that you just left at 2am to reopen at 5am.

5am - Bars in town open to welcome the parade participants and start serving orange turkey omelets and fudge brownies (who isn’t thankful for fudge). The drinks of the day are Lagers, Sam Adams, and Wild Turkey shots (this includes Wild Turkey Jello shots) . Everyone is dresses as a Pilgim or Indian and the place is filled with slutty Sacagawea wanta-bees. Prizes are handed out for the pumpkin pie eating contest and best dressed.

9am – Get ready for the parade! Every town has one but ours is the best. I spent the last year preparing my personal Hong-Kong Phooey inflatable to pull down Main and my team is prepared! Everyone’s shoe buckles have a high polish. How proud and thankful they all look! The rose floats are all hooked up to the tractors and on board are boxes of worthless beads that will be thrown to the Indian dressed children.

3pm – The parades finally wind down and people start getting ready to party. There is a one hour nap time to recoup and wear of the residual tryptophan.

4pm- Its downtown time and off to the sports bars. The games start in 1 hour.

5pm- Kick off. No pussy football anymore, leave that for the Sunday Super Bowl. Thanksgiving Day hosts its own slew of crazy festive sports not much unlike Japanese game shows. Extreme sports like power eating and boat racing are given their due. (Help me out here with more ideas…)

Midnight- The day concludes with a fairly adequate fireworks show.


Now that’s a F’en Holiday baby! Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!